What a Difference a Year Makes

At this exact time last year we had just made a visit to the emergency room with Brady due to the dreaded RSV. The second time we had made a trip to the ER in his life for RSV and his third trip (at the time) to the hospital. Brady was 18, almost 19 pounds.  He had a hard time still with swallowing properly.  And was getting sick.  A lot.  He was negative off the growth charts and he had us all so worried.  He had just been tested for cystic fibrosis, had a scope in his upper gi done and had more blood taken than I care to recount.  It was this time last year that I made the decision to leave my job, although it would take me a little over another month to actually be out the door and at home with my boys. 
The last two years have been quite a journey.  So much incredible happiness that this little guy brings into our lives and yet so much worry.  And while I am not stupid enough to make a proclamation again on here that I will stop worrying, of course as a mom, that will never cease, I am feeling extremely joyful today.  I definitely know we are not out of cold/flu/rsv season yet, and I am a little scared to say it out loud, but this is the first time in three years that there has not been RSV in our house.  Brady has so far managed in this cold/flu/rsv season to only have two relatively mild colds, one needing an antibiotic.  A NIGHT and DAY DIFFERENCE from this time last year.  Brady is swallowing liquids without the aid of thickeners.  He has been weaned off ALL medication.  (only needing an occasional breathing treatment when down with a cold)  And at our follow up with the immunologist today, Brady has made my heart sing with joy....he is now in the FIFTH PERCENTILE for his weight!!!  I know this does not seem like a lot, 5%, big whoop.  But from being negative to now being ON THE CHART AT ALL is like a HUGE accomplishment.  Brady weighs just over 24 pounds.  Yes, it still makes me sad that he is still so little.  Still makes me sad that I have to roll his pants up in his waist that are 18 month in size.  And at times he looks so frail.  But he is moving in the right direction.  Like the doctor said (whom I love just have to add), now comes another really hard part in all of this.  WAITING.  You know how good I am with that!  We just have to give him some time and see if he continues to do well.  Pray he continues in the right direction, continues gaining weight.  She will see us again in six months (the gastro will see him again around that time as well...the longest we will have ever gone without seeing a specialist) to see his progress and re-do his huge blood panel to make sure that is going in the right direction as well.  So, I will do my absolute best to have the worries be less and continue trying to fatten this guy up any way I can.  Hooray for small victories!

What I'm Loving

I love that Brady is still very much my baby.  Yes, he's grown so incredibly independent, and loves "proving" to us that he's a big boy now, but don't let that fool you.  My baby still lets me shower him with kisses and squeezes and snuggles.  And he still believes my kisses cure any boo boo that comes his way.  Love.

I love the things that Blake has to say.  He makes us laugh all.the.time.  Here are a few stories or expressions that come to mind that I'd love to have on record to remember always...
-Blake says to me from the other room, "Momma, are you thinking what I'm thinking??"  
-"Momma, I have good news and I have bad news..."
-After soccer games Blake and team mates would enjoy a juice box.  Blake and his daddy like to watch professional soccer on tv together over the weekend.  When a player comes off the field to sub out Blake will say, "He's going to get a juice box now."
-Brad was telling Blake about ranch land that we passed and Blake started giggling and said, "That is so silly daddy!  Ranch is for eating!"


Love and laughter filled days is definitely what I'm loving right now.

Mommy Guilt

This post is really nothing more than me babbling my random thoughts, so feel free to click out.  Cute pics and/or stories of the boys will return shortly.  Oh and I have so many recipes to post too.  Eventually.  Like one I made last night... better than take out Chinese. Brad just asked me to marry him all over again after he ate it.  But anyways....


Mommy guilt.  I think this is something all moms experience at one time or another or throughout our entire time of motherhood, or at least I tell myself that so I don't feel so alone in it!  But I've had this mommy guilt since I had Blake.  I had the guilt of being a working mommy and not spending enough time with my baby.  I had guilt that I wasn't just working but enjoyed working and being away from mommy duties.  I had guilt that I would take away love and attention by bringing in another sibling.  I had guilt multiplied being a working mommy and having a baby with so many health issues.  That was probably the biggest one.  I had guilt that it took me so long to make the decision to stay home.  I still have that guilt actually. 
And then my guilt changed once I started staying at home.  Mom guilt over a lot of things, but the biggest one is not enjoying every moment of every day of staying at home.  Wishing away minutes or hours until Brad gets home or until its bed time.  GUILT.  How dare I feel this way?!  How could I possibly not cherish every moment of every day with my sweet boys??  And it makes me so upset with myself.  And I get down.  And think what's wrong with me?  And then I'll have an amazing wonderful day with the boys and it makes me ache inside thinking about them ever starting school and leaving my side.  How could I possibly ever spend a minute or hours away from them?  
I stumbled across this article on the Internet the other day and it was just what I needed to read.  I have actually reread it several times because it just speaks to me.  And it makes me feel like I'm normal and it gave me "permission" to not enjoy the whining or the not listening.  There are plenty of magical moments that make up our days and our weeks and our years that turn those other moments into fuzzy, faded memories.  The magical moments get us through each day and help deal with the not so magical ones.  
And I just have to say, if you read the article (and if you made it this far in this blog post, I hope you do) I love when the author says what she'd say to a mom years from now in the grocery store line.  I think we need people to speak kinder, more encouraging words to moms.  One day a few months back I took just Blake with me to the grocery store on a Saturday morning to get more coffee because no way we can deal without it, and then we were going to head to the donut shop to get everyone breakfast.  Blake saw a display of Krispy Kreme donuts and started throwing a fit because I said we couldn't get them, we were getting different ones.  I dealt with Blake and kept walking and a lady walked up to me and said, "I just wanted to let you know, I saw how you dealt with your son, and I think you handled that so well.  I can tell you are a good mom."  It was the nicest thing a stranger could say at that moment of just dealing with a tantrum in public.  
Anyways, read this article.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
You'll be glad you did.  And for the record, even though I have days that are long and hard, this stay at home thing is the best decision I've ever made. 

ROAR!

 

Nicest day outside ever award?!  Is it January?  Are we in winter?  I love it though!  Especially when I hear from my brother he's getting more snow today.  Brrrrr!  I wanted to take full advantage of this beautiful 80 degree day and also wanted to check out an exhibit at the Heard museum, so it worked out perfectly!  The Heard has this thing called Dinosaurs Live going on right now.  It.was.AWESOME!  They have these animitronic dinosaurs set up along one of their nature paths.  The boys were in heaven getting to run around the nature trails outside in the midst of the dinosaurs.  They liked pretending they were little dinosaur explorers.  SO CUTE.  Brady though was a little nervous of the moving and roaring dinosaurs.  He made sure to keep his eyes on them at all times.  He didn't trust 'em.  I couldn't even get him to pose in front of a dinosaur and look at the camera.  Ha!  

 

This sign made me laugh. And scared me a little.

Lil Skaters

As much as the boys are obsessed over hockey (as mentioned in the prior post), I can not believe the lack of skating our boys have partaken in.  Brady had NEVER gone skating actually.  So grateful to Aunt Marlene and Uncle Adam for the awesome hockey equipment they got the boys awhile back and we were finally able to put it to good use today.  And since Brady was literally in tears when we had to get off the ice because he wanted "more skate", I think we'll be getting lots of good use out of the gear more often!  Are these little skaters adorable or what?!

Wanting to be like daddy...

Brad's had more than usual early hockey games lately and so I've been able to take the boys to see their daddy in action.  They love it.  Blake yells, "Go Daddy Go!" the entire time, while Brady waves and blows kisses to his daddy (the goalie).  And anyone in attendance dies over the cuteness.  Me included.  Brad used some of his money of selling goods on Ebay to purchase a new goalie mask and it arrived today.  The boys fought over putting it on all day.  So cute.  I think, I think, they might want to follow in their daddy's foot steps.  Oy.


Blake, who oddly, even only being 3 1/2, almost fits into this mask. He's a giant I tell ya.  My bff Kristen and I giggle each week at gymnastics that he's like Will Ferrell in the movie Elf.  All the kiddos get on the bars that are a perfect height for them and then Blake gets up and towers over the bar.  We laugh and laugh.  Maybe you have to be there...

And Brady.  Looking at this picture brings an insta-smile to my face.  He looks like a bobble head.  This mask is ridiculous on him.  But he loves it.  Can you see that smile through the mask he's sporting?  True love.

Feeding the Ducks

I posted a few months back about my ridiculous fear of bees.  Like so crazy afraid.  And I have another phobia.  I swear I only have two.  I'm not a freak or anything.  Okay, maybe I kind of am, but I swear I can't help it!  I am embarrassed to admit that in addition to a crippling fear of bees, I also have an unhealthy fear of birds.  Yes, birds.  Crazy, right? 
Apparently, when I was about three, my mom took my brother and I to feed the ducks.  We soon became surrounded by geese.  Hungry, aggressive, geese.  I do not remember the event, but my mom and brother do vividly.  They say they have never seen anything like it.  The geese had me completely surrounded and started attacking me for the bread.  I had to drop the bread and run.  And while I do not remember this, it some how implanted in my brain and I have always been afraid of birds since.  I used to have a reoccurring nightmare as a little girl that birds were attacking me.  And just like the bees always seem to have it out for me and taunt me, the birds seem to as well.  Shortly after moving into our home, there was a mockingbird that I swear had it in for me.  Whenever we would walk Odie, this mockingbird would follow us.  It would swoop in right by me and then land on the mailbox at each house we walked past.  At first, Brad thought I was nuts (probably still does) and said I was just imagining it.  But when he went on a walk with me one day, he saw it with his own eyes and totally agreed...this stinking mockingbird had it out for me.  One of these days, I swear I'm going to be so crippled by fear, I'll never be able to step outside again.  I kid.  Kind of.  
Anyways, all of this back story to get to today's events.  I was looking for something to do outside the house with the boys and my mom suggested going to our favorite park in Frisco since the weather was so nice.  Great idea.  I remembered to grab some bread to feed the ducks too and the boys were so excited.  Last time we went to feed the ducks at this pond there was a duck.  ONE lonely duck.  So I was hoping there would be at least one duck we could feed so the boys wouldn't be let down.  Be careful what you wish for.  There were lots of ducks today and they were all hanging out on the edge of the water on the ground.  I thought if we went down where they were they would attack, so we went to the observation deck area where we would hopefully be safe and I threw a piece of bread in the water to try and get the attention of the ducks.  Across the far edge of the pond was a very large white crane.  (I googled it because I couldn't believe we had cranes here??).  It had been there for awhile and was perfectly still.  Until... Until it saw me throw the bread in the water and came flying across the pond and landed along the water near us, watching.  Waiting.  I freaked the heck out, I'll be honest.  I am the world's worst mom and told the boys we couldn't feed the ducks.  "WHY MOMMA?!" "I WANT TO FEED THE DUCKS!"  And I could only do what any other mom would do.  I told them because the white bird would attack us.  I'm not scarring my boys for life or anything.  The boys were pretty bummed.  That is, until they realized if we weren't feeding the ducks the bread, they could eat the bread.  They are Brad's offspring after all and the way to their hearts is through their bellies just like their daddy.  Who am I kidding, its the way to my heart too. 

Poor Papa

My dad is the last person to ever complain.  He is the epitome of the meaning "suck it up".  Sarcasm is one of the biggest ways my dad gets through the rough patches, which in turn always helps the rest of us get through stuff too.  The end of 2011 and beginning of 2012 has been a rough few weeks for my poor dad, but he has not once complained and continues to crack jokes.  But since he won't play the violin, I will for him! 
It started a few weeks back when my dad went to the dermatologist and had to have many suspicious spots on his face biopsied.  One came back cancerous.  A few days later, he had to undergo a double whammy and have a endoscopy and colonoscopy performed at the same time to make sure there were no more precancerous or cancerous areas, as they had found precancerous polyps a few months back at a routine scope.  Thankfully, that came back good news.  And then two days later poor dad had to have surgery on his face to remove the cancer.  My dad had stitches covering practically one side of his face.  But we just joked that he looked like a bad ass and affectionately started calling him Scarface.  And then on the 30th my dad started having stomach pains and ended up in so much pain he had to have a driver from his office take him to the hospital.  As luck would have it, I was at the hospital for a checkup so headed down to see him in the ER afterwards.  Dad was running a 103+ fever, shaking and moaning in pain.  But he still managed to crack a joke that he was glad he could work out the timing of his hospital visit with my doctor appointment.  Dad is still in the hospital and my mom had to ring in the new year alone at home while dad slept in a hospital bed.  Not exactly how our family would imagine starting 2012.  I just pray he gets to go home soon and the rest of this year can be a healthy one FOR ALL OF US!