I am done.

As a parent you worry about your kid(s). As a mom you worry even more I think. I know I will always worry about my two babies. The last two years my level of worry for Brady has gone above and beyond the "normal" amount of worry a mom should carry, consuming me at times. I think as humans we need answers. We need reasoning. When there are no answers, it can be maddening. But, there are no answers for this looming question we've been trying to get to the bottom of for most of Brady's life. I have to let go. I have to move forward. I am done. I know I will always worry more than I do with Blake. When Brady gets a runny nose or a cough or a stomach bug my insides will turn to knots. I will pray Brady can fight the bug quickly without losing weight. I will pray he eventually catches up to the "curve". But I will no longer be on a mission for the answers. I am done. What I will do, is be present. I will enjoy today. I will focus on doing everything in MY control to be the best mom I can be to my two sweet boys.

What I'm Loving...

~ Loving my brother-in-law for inviting us to go to the Stars game and getting to spend time with him.

~ Loving getting to go to a Stars game for the first time in a long time.

~ Loving quality time with my good looking main squeeze.

~ Loving my parents for making a date night possible.

Baseball Fever

Blake is all about sports. Brad jokingly said the other night, "Maybe I went a little overkill introducing sports to Blake." Because now he wants to play baseball, golf, soccer, football or hockey all day long. And I mean all day. And night. He tends to rotate the sports with his flavor of the month. I guess with the Rangers in the World Series (Go Rangers!) Blake is loving him some baseball currently. We play inside a lot (with a plastic ball and bat), especially during Brady's nap time, and outside at the park as much as the nice weather allows. Blake has gotten REALLY good. He can pitch the ball ridiculously well and can hold and swing the bat in proper form and makes good contact with the ball most of the time. He loves him some baseball. And he loves cheering on the Rangers. The cutest thing the other day was me and the boys were about to head to the park with our baseball stuff in tow and he said, "Hold on! I need a hat!!" He ran in the other room and came out wearing Brad's favorite hat. I told Blake to leave it at home but he insisted. And now anytime we play, even inside, he has to wear the hat. He said "All batters have to wear a hat!" He's so cute. I love this lil slugger more than words.

please excuse the no pants!

Looking Up

Friday the sun was shining and the boys and I had a great day of fun playing soccer and chase at the park together. I can not begin to explain how much Friday helped my soul. I was soaking up every smile and giggle with my boys and it helped me move on from being stuck in events I can not change. Just what I needed.

It was also Blake's lucky day because a hot hair balloon flew right above us.

Blake refused to play at the park until the balloon was out of our site. He was just a little excited about the balloon in the sky.

As the balloon drifted further and further away Blake sat down and just stared at it until no longer in his view. Brady of course had to copy him and sit next to him. They are the cutest, sweetest brothers. I love watching them interact together. Best buds.

Saturday morning we went to Blake's soccer game, along with Grandma and Papa. Here is Blake's professional soccer picture. I actually took a picture of a picture to post because I'm too lazy to scan. (Ridiculous, I know. )

So handsome!

After we all ate some brunch together, Grandma and Papa took the boys for the rest of the day and evening. Brad and I are BEYOND grateful for my parents. I know my dad has been working like a dog and could have used some quiet time but instead they braved the boys solo. And they didn't just sit around the house. They went to Whole Foods and got to pick out baby pumpkins that they got to decorate with Grandma, went and played putt putt with Papa, and all went out for pizza for dinner.

They were so worn out that the boys even slept through the bad storms, thank goodness! Our boys are so spoiled with love and fun by their Grandma and Papa and it fills my heart with joy. Having some time away from the boys was also really good for my soul. I miss the boys like crazy when I'm away from them, but I think I needed to miss them. My battery was on empty and it was so wonderful to recharge my Brooke battery, my wife battery and my mom battery. Brad and I took a loooong nap on Saturday. I can't remember the last time that happened! And then we had a wonderful dinner out and watched a movie rental at home. The perfect day and evening. When we got to my parents this morning the boys were full of smiles and full bellies. And they were super excited to show us their decorated pumpkins!

Blake's is on the left, hard to see, but he drew a ghost on it. And Brady's on the right. My little artist.

Brady's appointment was scheduled for the 31st to go over his lab results with the immunologist. And I'm feeling so healed from these last few days, that I'm not going to even stress or worry for the next week. Today, my glass is definitely half full.

Roller Coaster

One week ago today, we were admitted into Children's for what ended up being a 48 hour stay. Its already been a week and I have to say I'm still a mess. I have been a roller coaster of emotions and I am not handling things so well. Every time I start to think about our stay, I get so frustrated and angry and upset. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I feel like I've been so strong these last few years with Brady's health journey. Have I had my moments? Yes. But, I feel like they have been few and far between and I have always kept my composure. So why am I letting this affect me so?
I have already admitted that I have very little patience. Well, I'll let you in on another character flaw of mine...I have a hard time asking for help, admitting that I can not take on everything by myself. I came into our hospital stay already some what sleep deprived. The first night there was horrendous and I went into Thursday with no sleep and I mean NO SLEEP. I do not function well tired. Never have and I'm sure I never will. My brother and dad kept saying let Brad stay there over night so you can get one night of sleep yourself. Let Brad stay while you at least go shower or nap or just get outside. I had two friends ask if they could come up and visit to keep my company. But I thought no one else will know what questions to ask the doctor if they come while I am gone. No one will remember exactly what the doctor told them if they come while I am gone. No one will be able to comfort Brady like I can while I am gone. I thought, I do not want to burden my friends to come up here to be with me when they have their own lives and their own families to take care of. But the thing about it, Brad is a very capable human being. He would have been just fine dealing with the doctors and relaying the information back. He loves Brady with all of his heart and Brady loves him with all of his. Brad would have been just fine comforting him. Friends that are offering to help, are offering because they want to help. Let them. Three days with no sleep, two days without stepping foot outside, two days without leaving the hospital room or showering, worried and frustrated in a hospital, do not allow one to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. Lesson learned, believe me. I need to be better at asking for help.
I am still trying to get caught up on sleep. Either I am not able to sleep because of my mind not wanting to stop thinking or Brady has had a few rough nights too, we are still not getting sleep. I took advice of one of my girlfriends, to not keep it all inside. I had a really good cry yesterday while the boys were playing in the other room. And then I pulled myself together and cleaned out both boys' closets and dressers and totally went OCD with organizing them. And even though I'm still not rested, I have to say a good cry and cleaning is really good therapy.

Hospitalization Frustration: A Novella, By: Frustrated Mommy

Last night I have never felt so tired and worn down in all my life. But I could not sleep. My mind was racing. I asked Brad to lay down next to me and snuggle. And as soon as his arms wrapped around me, I wept. The tears strolled down my face and on to Brad's. I cried for all we had gone through the last few days. I cried for all we have gone through the last two years. I cried for the unknown for what lies ahead. I cried because I had missed my husband and missed his arms around me, the reassurance that no matter what lies ahead, we would be okay. We have each other. We will make it through together.
Frustration. Frustrated. Frustrating. All variations of the same word and I have sounded like a broken record the last few days using all of them. I am FRUSTRATED. We ended up being told we had to run, not walk, to Children's downtown because Brady had renal tubular acidosis, a kidney disease, that needed to be evaluated immediately so treatment could begin. I was terrified, but hopeful at the same time. From the little bit I had managed to google, it seemed it was treatable, as long as it had not gone on untreated for too long. And if it was easily treated, then this was the answer we had so prayed for in regards to Brady's lack of weight gain. Brad said, how great is it, that this is the END OF THE ROAD with Brady's health journey. How amazing would it be to have all of this nightmare end?! As much as I was scared and did not want to be in a hospital, he was right. I could get through this, knowing the end was near. Wednesday was horrible. By the time we were settled in our room it was nearing Brady's bed time. He was already worn down because we got no sleep Tuesday, as he woke up from thunder and would not go back down. They had to do a full work up on Brady and get blood and urine and blood pressure and all that jazz. He was beyond tired and mad that he was being messed with and he screamed and screamed and screamed. It was breaking my heart into pieces. By the time they were done messing with him it was after midnight and he finally passed out at 12:30. Only to be woken up at 4:30 for blood pressure and temp and then we were up. Well, I had never really gone to sleep. I heard nothing but baby screams throughout the night. The chilling sound of being in a children's hospital.
I spent all of Thursday morning knowing nothing. I was, wait for it....FRUSTRATED. Sitting in a hospital room, with no answers. I didn't want to leave the room for anything, afraid I'd miss a doctor. Finally a team of residents and a doctor came in, filling up the entire room. They said it did not appear Brady had RTA. They were still consulting the renal doctors, but it did not appear to be the issue. The original labs were incorrect. They left, and I was frustrated. Why are we here? This is not the end of our journey.
Thankfully we were in a hospital dedicated to children. And Brady was able to attend a special Paws program and see lots of doggies, eat cake, have popcorn and then play on their train exhibit. My dad brought Blake up and the two of them got to play and run around. I stayed sitting in the hospital room, like a trapped prisoner, waiting for a doctor. I needed answers. I could not miss the possibility of finding out what was going on. I had been documenting everything that Brady had been eating and the nurse let me know they were doing an "official" calorie count on Brady and we would be there three days. I almost lost it. I could do a calorie count from home. Why are we in the hospital to count calories? I was FRUSTRATED. We are already aware to give Brady as many calories as possible. This was not an issue we felt we needed to explore. A doctor came by later and let us know Brady's team of doctors were reviewing his entire two year health history and felt they should bring in immunology. They would be by the next day to talk to us. So we settled in for another night at the hospital. Another night of no sleep for me. At least Brady man was able to. I have to say, that one thing I am grateful for is the entire time we were there, Brady did not have to have an i.v. and even got to wear his own pajamas and clothes from home. Small things to be grateful for.
One of the doctors came to talk to me Friday morning and let me know they had definitely ruled out the RTA. Immunology would be by at some point and they were doing the calorie study. I told her I did not agree to be kept at the hospital for the study alone and listed my long list of reasons why. She said she would address my concerns to the attending doctor. One of the immunologists came by shortly after and we discussed Brady's long history, family history and he let me know they wanted to look at the other areas of Brady's immunity that had not been looked at previously. They want to look further into his T cells and not just the B cells. I don't know what all of it means to be honest. They would be collecting more blood though. He let me know he would be by a little later with one of his partners that would be who we would see in their immunology clinic after the blood results came back (about three weeks). She came in a little after and let me know that 1) she didn't think Brady had an IGA immunity defficincy as we had thought since last year. 2) there are lots of other areas of immunity to explore that need to be explored with Brady and allow us to continue to rule out or diagnose. I was very taken back at her thoughts on Brady's IGA not being low. I said then how do you explain his constant illnesses? Again, she said there are other arms of immunity. I was FRUSTRATED. Not only are we here for something that turns out Brady does not have but now you're stripping away the only answers I thought I had. The tears started to come to the surface and I tried to fight back. The doctor could sense this and tried to reassure me. "Its a good thing nothing serious has come up, but I know as a momma that goes home with him and worries about him at night, you need answers. And hopefully we are on the path to give that to you." She left and I sobbed. I sobbed for having no answers, for being back at what feels like square one. The nurse walked in on me and asked what was wrong. I told her I was FRUSTRATED. I let her know that I did not want to continue being in the hospital for strictly a calorie study and after Brady had the rest of his blood drawn, we should be able to leave. She said she would talk to the doctor. They drew Brady's blood, but stated one of the things to test for would have to be drawn at a later date because no one was at the hospital on the weekends (apparently their weekend starts on Friday) to process and it had to be processed immediately. Later on in the afternoon the nurse said they called in an emergency worker to process Brady's blood and would have to stick him again to get the last of what they needed. Otherwise, we'd have to return on Monday. I hated that for Brady. But then she said, after they get the blood, you can leave. I almost passed out from sheer excitement. Or exhaustion. Brad showed up with Blake and we got to all play in the game room together and then watched a movie in Brady's room. I think Blake thinks hospitals are all snacks, game rooms and movies and he'll probably start asking to go back. Ha. We eventually got the rest of Brady's blood drawn and were on our way. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing about kids is they are resilient. Way more than adults. The only sign of Brady's hospital stay are his very bruised arms from constant blood draws. He's not worried. He's not sad. He's just so happy to be running around with his brother again. I wish I could get over the last few days as easy as him. Blake and Brady missed each other like crazy. Blake was constantly asking my dad or Brad where Brady was and he listed all the things to Brad that they do together for fun and that he missed it. Brady spent all of Wednesday evening saying I love Bake. Bake = Blake in Brady talk. They have such a special bond. I hope they don't have to be apart under those circumstances again.
Have I mentioned that I am feeling very frustrated?? I am also angry. BUT I'm trying to focus on some positives and keeping faith that things happen for a reason. There is a master plan to unfold and I don't know the answers now, but one day, hopefully sooner than later, I will have peace and comfort. Answers. And I know, being together, holding on to those I love, will get me through until that day comes.

A few pictures from our stay...

The view from our room. Not pretty. At least our view included the helicopter pad which Brady thought was cool to see the helicopter in flight. And also served as a reminder to me things could always be so much worse.

Not a good picture of Brady, but if you look at his eyes, they look black and blue. It shows how TIRED this poor guy was from no sleep in the hospital. Heart wrenching.
And a few of my other little man who I missed so much while we were in the hospital. Wednesday night my parents kept Blake and Thursday my dad took Blake to work with him! First time ever at the office. I got this picture texted to me from my dad. Totally put a smile on my face. I guess he finds the transportation business rather dull.
And Blake snuggled up in the hospital bed. Silly boy.

Home again, home again

48 hours of hospital stay later, we are home again. This boy can be poked and prodded over and over, get no sleep and still gives you this sweet smile. He even blew the lab tech kisses this afternoon after she took blood from him for the second time today. Third time in two days. There is a story. Oh, there is a story. But I can hardly keep my eyes open or keep my body upright for that matter. More pictures and story at a later date. This momma is beyond happy and grateful to be a family of four again, back in our home where we belong.

Birthday Fun Week

I swear this is the last birthday post! We've had such a fun week. Monday, I took the boys to the mall and played and ate yummy pretzels. Tuesday, the three of us hit up the $1 movies and watched Cars 2. And today, the actual day Mr. Brady turned TWO, was the best.day.EVER! Brad took the day off which was the first great thing about the day and went with us to gymnastics, our normal Wednesday morning activity.

Blake doing a cart wheel. Kind of.

Waiting our turn for the balance beam

Happy Boy
After gymnastics we got yummy donuts at my childhood favorite donut place since we were down the street. Oh so good. And then we headed to the Dallas Zoo. It had been awhile since our last visit and in that time they had opened a new exhibit. Amazing. We loved seeing the animals from Africa roaming around and able to get so up close and personal. We even got to feed giraffes and eat lunch with lions. Well, the lions were behind glass, but we sat there eating, taunting them with our burgers. Good times!

Blake feeding the giraffe. I could not believe that both boys were absolutely fearless when it came to feeding these guys. I sadly didn't get a picture of Brady. I was a little too busy taking his hand out of the giraffe's mouth! He didn't want to let go of the lettuce and yes, his hand went in the giraffe's mouth and came out with giraffe drool.

My sweet birthday boy enjoying the monorail ride. This guy is such a sweetheart. He blew kisses to all the animals. Melt my heart.

Brady and I's favorite animal...the gorillas. I could sit and stare at these guys all day I think. Brady too. He did NOT want to leave them. One of the gorillas actually stood up, karate kicked the glass with his leg and pounded on his chest with his fists. It was awesome! Brad was so scared of the gorilla's leg coming at him he totally missed him pounding on his chest. Entertainment on so many levels.

Blake's favorite animals. The penguins. Well, they are actually African Penguins, but penguins none the less.

We wanted to get a family shot of the four of us, but waited until we were leaving and melt downs were going to start at any moment. I was trying to use my iPhone to snap it myself. Brady refused and was hiding behind us. This is the closest we got!

After the zoo we of course had to have Brady's favorite meal...tacos! We enjoyed a yummy taco dinner with grandma and papa! We've had sooo much fun celebrating Mr. Brady's 2nd Birthday! However, I think I need a day at home tomorrow to recover!

Happy 2nd to my 2nd Born

Click below to see the slide show I used with a free tool, that is a little cheesy. Followed by my birthday letter to Brady.

Create your own free slideshow

Dear Brady,
Happy SECOND birthday Bray-Bray, Doodle Bug, Cookie Monster! As I write your second birthday letter I am filled with so many emotions. You, my love, are a gift from above and I am so truly blessed to be your mom. I laugh now when I think about the scared feelings I had to bring you in this world. Would I have the same love to give you as your brother? How could I possibly love you as much? Oh, how silly. That's the thing about a mother's heart. It has no limit my sweet boy. The last two years have been quite a journey. Your daddy and I have spent so many days and nights worrying about your health and you have gone through way way more than any sweet baby should. But you have handled it all with that sweet smile of yours. Oh, that smile. It melts my heart on a daily basis. It brightens my days Brady. You brighten the cloudiest day. Your spirit is truly magical. You are pure joy. Don't get me wrong though, you also have quite a temper. You are stubborn and boy, oh boy, do you know what you want! And if you don't get it...the world is ending. You HATE being told no. If we dare to utter that word to you, you crumble and scream and cry and pout.
Brady, you become more and more independent every day. You love discovering things on your own and even if you can not do something you are one determined little boy to try until you can do it with no help. I love that about you. Although it can be very frustrating at times! And even though you have such deep independence running through your core, you still need your mommy (and daddy) so much. You crave our snuggles, especially mama's. And doodle bug, I so crave your snuggles right back.
You also l.o.v.e. your big brother Blake. The two of you are inseparable. The brotherly love you two share together is inspiring and so so so incredibly sweet. Anything Blake does, you have to do as well. If Blake sits, you sit. If Blake wants a snack, you want a snack. Its funny though, because as much as you copy him, every so often you put your foot down and protest whatever he is doing...just so we all know, you have a mind of your own.
Brady, you are so so smart. I love that you can understand anything we tell you and listen well to our directions. I love you are starting to converse with us so much more. I love hearing your sweet voice. And your sweet laugh. Your dad and I are so blessed to watch you grow and learn every day. You make our family complete. The perfect book end. I hope you always feel the love we have for you. I hope you hold on to the joy inside you always. I hope you continue to grow and grow and grow into a healthy big boy so I can stop worrying about you so much! I love you love you Brady boy. Happy Birthday to the smiliest boy I know!

Birthday Bust

I'm not a perfectionist by any means, but when it comes to planning a party for my babies I want everything to go off without a hitch. HA! ha ha ha. Brady's party was yesterday and in the eyes of this mommy was a Disaster, capital D. The plan was to have Brady's friends at a ranch by our house that puts together a really awesome pumpkin patch. The one we visited last year, with a bounce house, pony rides, a hay maze, a petting zoo. And each kid would get to pick out their own pumpkin to take home. It was all just going to be perfect. I communicated back and forth via e-mail with one of the "ranch hands" about the day and dates of the pumpkin patch. I even have the flier from the ranch with the dates on it. All systems go. So I thought.
The comedy of errors began as Blake's soccer game was going waaay over the time it should have ended and we all came in one car. THANKFULLY my parents were at the game, so I was able to leave with Brady and my mom and leave my dad to bring the rest of the fam. Imagine my horror as we pulled in to the ranch to discover, NOTHING was ready. There were workers walking around setting things up. No pumpkins, no bounce house, nothing. I was shaking I was so upset. I called Brad in tears, "WHAT DO WE DO?????" The party was starting in just 15 minutes and I knew everyone had driven a long way to get there and was going to show up themselves any minute. Brad in his cool, calm, practical way, stated, "Let's just figure out somewhere else to go, no problem." I decided to send the party to Frisco Commons Park. It was a beautiful day and at least the kids could have fun playing on the great playground there. My friends were thankfully such good sports about it and rolled with the punches. I was mortified, embarrassed, disappointed, upset, sad. Brad was trying to remind me all day about what really mattered and my friend Kristen sent me a really sweet message last night as well that helped. I know that Brady had a GREAT time and was not disappointed and the other kids had fun, so what else matters? It is a two year old's party after all. Not something he will hold against me later in life. (I hope not at least) :) And I am grateful we were able to gather to celebrate Brady in any sort of capacity. Last year, after all, we had just gone through the biggest nightmare with Brady when he stopped breathing and then two weeks later got way sick and we had to cancel his party plans all together. Brady deserved a celebration more than any other kiddo and at least he got something, even if its not what I had planned. Such a life lesson that this thirty year old is still trying to learn.
Here are just a few pictures my dad and I were able to snap.

Precious Jones and London in their precious pumpkin outfits. I saw those outfits and wanted to cry they had no pumpkin patch to take precious photos in!

Breck and cutie patootie Jocelyn. So sweet for them to be here when they are trying to get ready to move!

Blake's BFF Sophie came with her brother Ryan (not pictured) who is Brady's age. Blake ignored her the whole time. Felt so bad. I guess he's playing hard to get already.

Pics of the birthday boy looking so handsome in his sweater vest!

After the park our family ate lunch at Chick fil A and here is Blake pretending to talk on the phone, the phone being a chicken nugget!

And I know this last picture is just of Brady drinking out of a water bottle, but I can't express to you how I felt at this moment. Brady has never drank out of anything but his sippy cup (or bottle before that) and until just a little over a month ago, could drink no liquids unless they were thickened. And here he was drinking out of a water bottle and doing it well, like the big two year old boy he is about to be. I just felt proud and joyful that he is growing up. Again, I know its drinking out of a water bottle, big whoop, but seeing him doing so well with this swallowing thing after such a loooong journey with this part of his health woes was so gratifying. Love this sweet boy!


I'm sorry to all of you for the change of plans and headache involved with it all. Thank you for rolling with the punches and being such awesome friends and family. Brady thanks you too.
And more birthday celebrating to come!!!