Changes of the Heart

I spent almost the first three years of Blake's life being a "working mommy".  I had a full time job and my time with him was limited to evenings and weekends.  I always envisioned myself wanting to be a stay at home mom.  And then my job happened, and I loved it.  I couldn't imagine leaving it.  I enjoyed (most days or weeks) our routine.  I felt at times it made me a better mom because I was more "present" when I was at home with Blake.  I felt that Blake's school was so good for him.  And then Brady came along and his health journey changed everything.  My job changed too and I really didn't enjoy it so much anymore.  Or maybe my job didn't change as much, as I changed.  Trying to juggle two kids and a full time job is hard enough and throw in major health issues, a stressful work environment and forget about it.  My stress level was through the roof.  I was miserable.  I felt crazy amounts of guilt for being away from my babies, mostly Brady.  I could never truly focus on work.  Several of my higher ups made me feel like my job was always on the line for choosing my sick child over being at the office.  Meanwhile, Brady needed a full time advocate.  He needed to be away from germs.  He needed someone to focus on his diet all day long.  He needed someone to be able to journal and make note of his illness, behavior, food intake, diapers, etc.  He deserved a full time mommy.  So I finally was able to work through all the outside factors and decisions and made the leap.  I went from being the mom who was there a few hours with her kids at night before bed and on the weekends, to being there 24/7.  It was a HUGE change.  Since being at home full time, I've had some really hard days that have left me in tears.  I've also had some really amazing days.  Overall, I'm incredibly grateful for having taken that leap of faith to stay at home.  Most importantly, it has made a significant difference in Brady's health.  But its allowed me to witness so much in my children that I otherwise would have missed.  Its allowed me to provide for them in ways I otherwise would not have.  It has been a year and a half since Blake has been at school and next week he re-enters that world as a big, grown up preschooler.  I've been really excited all summer about his back to school debut.  The things he will learn!  The friends he will make!  And lets be honest...Time away!  A break from my super stubborn, strong willed guy!  

But as time gets closer my heart is hurting thinking of being away from him.  I've gotten pretty used to having him around me all day every day.  I've become pretty fond of our routine.  So for now my heart is glad that he'll only be gone three days a week.  We'll see how it's doing next week.